Home to Longton next for the 1sts, still searching for that elusive first win after last week’s disappointing defeat to multiple Britain in Blume champions Norton-in-Hales.

With a strong XI named, including the return of Abdullah “The Saviour” Haseem, spirits were high, even if the temperature stubbornly refused to join in. Having been promised a glorious 28 degrees by the Met Office earlier in the week, we instead arrived to find gale-force winds, a frantic search for the heavy bails, and conditions best described as “mid-April in disguise”. Fifteen degrees never felt so ambitious.

Preparations went smoothly enough, with some decent throwdowns in the nets. White, however, declined to bowl to Burslem, still traumatised by last week’s attempted assassination when a straight drive was returned at approximately Mach 3. Fortunately, White’s fighter-pilot reflexes ensured he lived to see another weekend — and, more importantly, his children.

Anyway, to the all-important toss. Skipper White stunned teammates, opponents and several independent observers by actually winning one, before inviting Longton to bat.

Longton, notably fielding what is believed to be the first side north of Trentham in recorded history not to contain a Shenton, walked out onto a green, slightly damp wicket. Gerry had confidently described it beforehand as “a batter’s paradise”, which immediately set alarm bells ringing.

Three balls in, without a single delivery rising above ankle height, slips and gully were swiftly removed in favour of a field more commonly seen in the subcontinent. Any hopes of a genuine edge were abandoned in favour of waiting for a mistimed hoick.

Archie and The Saviour opened the bowling, both finding excellent lines and lengths for very little reward. Archie eventually made the breakthrough, removing skipper Phillips for 3 after the batter attempted to redecorate the pavilion roof and instead donated his off stump to the cause.

At the other end, The Saviour produced a superb spell, relentlessly hitting the same area and proving once and for all that tape-ball cricket remains the greatest coaching programme known to mankind.

Arran entered the attack next and accounted for Mack (21), who weathered to storm before being trapped LBW by a delivery that was reportedly considering bouncing a second time.

Ade then produced a quality spell from the other end, removing numbers four and five before we arrived at the controversy of the day.

Ahmed was brilliantly run out by Arran, who hit the single available stump from distance. Ahmed was approximately two yards short of his ground, with his bat suspended somewhere around waist height, yet was somehow given not out. Whether the square-leg umpire blinked, sneezed, or simply decided reality was optional remains unclear.

Jordan and Matty B then chipped away through the middle and lower order. Longton appeared to completely forget we had stationed a fielder at long-on, repeatedly lofting catches directly to Smithy and Jordan. Remarkably, they managed this six times. It was less a batting strategy and more a charitable donation programme.

Tea arrived. Ade successfully made it three consecutive weeks without a dog stealing his lunch — a streak now approaching club-record territory.

Out we came to bat.

Mikey, promoted to a pinch-hitting role, got us off to a flyer. His 23 from 16 balls featured some excellent striking before going back to a full one, having clearly not watched the previous 46 overs saw his off stump taken back.

That brought Smith to the crease alongside Jordan.

The pair batted superbly, combining control, patience and common sense to add 87 for the second wicket and all but secure victory. Jordan grafted his way to a valuable 36 from 111 balls, proving that strike rates are merely a social construct.

Then, with just two runs needed to win, cricket delivered what cricket always delivers: absolute chaos.

The biggest mix-up witnessed on a cricket field since two batters simultaneously decided “yes”, “no” and “wait” resulted in Jordan being run out with the finish line in sight.

Smith, apparently feeling personally responsible for ending the game immediately, responded by attempting to launch every subsequent delivery into orbit. It took a little longer than necessary, but he eventually guided us home with an excellent unbeaten 50, securing victory by eight wickets with 5.2 overs to spare.

A WIN. An actual, genuine, undeniable WIN.

Post-match drinks were considerably more enjoyable.

Jay, ever the eager camper, became the victim of a carefully orchestrated combination of ChatGPT, WhatsApp and outright misinformation, convincing him that a post-match camping trip was taking place without him. The mere suggestion that an overnight adventure had been arranged and he’d not been invited caused him to briefly remove all evidence that he had ever been associated with the club.

White, as chief instigator, was eventually forced to reveal the truth before Jay’s cricket kit appeared on Facebook Marketplace and his resignation letter landed in the committee inbox.

Thankfully, peace was restored and normal service resumed.

All in all, an excellent day for the 1sts. Sharp in the field, disciplined with the ball and clinical with the bat.

Next up are Ashcombe Park All Stars — the cricketing equivalent of the Harlem Globetrotters — who will no doubt arrive with their customary blend of humility, modesty and absolutely no mention whatsoever of how good they are.

Onwards and upwards.