The 1sts made the trip up the M6 for their latest instalment of “How Hard Can Division 3 Actually Be?”, away at table-topping Audley. With the sun out, a new ground for many to tick off and a strong side on paper, CE arrived full of optimism. Unfortunately, what followed was probably the most aggressively beige game of cricket ever played. Literally nothing happened.

Ade managed to eat his lunch uninterrupted by local canines, there was no ropey umpiring, no arguments, and all fielders were wearing actual spikes rather than slippers. Frankly, it all felt a bit unsettling.

Pre-game, Burslem decided to have a net using his Kashmir willow. It sounded like someone clapping flip flops together and looked about as convincing. Thankfully, he changed bats before the start.

As we walked out onto the square we were greeted by Audley’s Grade I listed stumps. Rumour has it they’ve been in place since the Domesday Book was first drafted. Audley’s answer to Stonehenge was shortly put into use as White lost the toss and CE were invited to bat.

Burslem and Jordan opened up against Iqbal and Shenton — it’s a little-known league rule that every club north of Trentham must have at least one player called Shenton.

Burslem, in full T20 mode, smashed a breathtaking 1 from 20 balls before departing. Still, alongside Jordan he had guided CE to within one run of last week’s total, so progress is progress.

The wicket caused scenes in the away dressing room. Smithy was hurriedly shoved out there while Mikey, due in at 4, was still “dropping the kids off at the pool” in what can only be described as Premier Inn-standard facilities. Meanwhile Arran, batting 5, was halfway through a chicken bap in shorts and flip flops with absolutely no awareness of the unfolding crisis. Pads, gloves and assorted clothing were being launched around the changing room like an evacuation drill.

Eventually order was restored, only for Smithy to play round one from Shenton that did absolutely nothing and head back for 16. Jordan followed shortly after, one drive too many resulting in his castle being rearranged by Paul Harris, who celebrated like he’d just dismissed Kohli at the MCG rather than a bloke averaging 14 in North Staffs Division 3.

The middle order then mounted a fierce assault on absolutely nothing. Mikey, now at least half a stone lighter than when he arrived, skied one to point. White nicked off. Hogarth, fresh from back-to-back golden ducks, finally got off the mark to a standing ovation from absolutely everybody before departing for 6.

Credit should go to Arran though. Having successfully managed to get padded up in time, he played very nicely for his 22 off 47. As we’ve said many times, this season is about bringing younger players through and Arran looks more than capable at this level.

The rest of the innings passed with all the drama of a parish council meeting. Ade looked solid for his 9*, but CE were eventually bowled out for 102 in 32.3 overs.

Tea came and went, and out strode Archie and Rob with the ball. Archie again looked sharp, repeatedly beating Ahmed’s edge but without reward. Hogarth bowled quickly and aggressively, also wicketless — proving once again cricket is an incredibly fair and logical sport.

Ade and Jordan entered the attack next, Ade picking up a couple to secure another precious bowling point, while Jordan bowled nicely with the sort of reward usually reserved for unpaid interns.

Joynson then compiled a calm and controlled 36* as Audley knocked the runs off with 20 overs to spare and 8 wickets in hand.

But then came the true highlight of the day: the showers.

Now, cricket ground showers are a lottery. Moddershall promised greatness before being thwarted by the minor issue of having no water supply. Others dribble lukewarm water over you like a pensioner sneezing through a watering can.

Not Audley.

These were genuine power showers. Industrial-strength. The sort of pressure usually reserved for cleaning tractors. Layers of sweat, Deep Heat and regret were blasted clean off you like you were being jet washed outside a Tesco. The lack of a light switch was slightly concerning, but this was quickly forgotten when Smithy discovered a stained-glass window in the shower block and stood admiring it like he was touring York Minster.

So, another defeat for the 1sts. Division 3 continues to be a harsh learning curve, but spirits remain high, the laughs continue, and the search for that elusive first win goes on.