A home game against the high-flying Porthill up next for the 1st XI. After being subjected to what can only be described as a light military exercise around the home of cricket, the lads were ready to go.

With White winning his second toss in a row he inserted Porthill on a day where the overheads screamed “have a bowl.”

Archie and Rob opened up for CE, with Archie now regularly clocking 90+ mph and Rob hooping it round corners like a prime Wasim Akram. Surely a low total was on the cards…

First wicket of the day went to Rob. Skipper Kesteven was trapped plumb in front by one that jagged back beautifully. The fact it hit the middle of the bat and was probably missing a fourth stump was ignored entirely as he trudged off.

Turner was next to fall to an absolute seed from Archie. 96mph, top of off, genuinely unplayable.

AJ and Elliot entered the attack next. AJ appeared slightly unsettled by bowling in spikes rather than slippers, producing one delivery that nearly hit the aforementioned spikes. Riley waited a good five minutes for it to arrive before depositing it straight back past the bowler.

Drinks arrived with Porthill well set, so CE turned to the spin twins Jordan and Ade — the latter still visibly traumatised from the “dog incident” at Moddershall. Jordan attempted to deceive the batsmen with an innovative mix of long hops and half volleys, but sadly Porthill refused to cooperate.

Guest batted impressively for 49 before eventually falling to Ade, who bowled with excellent control and guile for his 2-27. Particularly impressive given he appeared to be battling Hantavirus and PTSD.

As the heavens opened and the umpire inevitably asked for “one more over” despite conditions resembling the North Sea, CE finally walked off. Porthill then stunned everyone by declaring on 158-5 off 30 overs.

159 to win off 50 overs? Walk in the park.

And to be fair to the lads… we absolutely walked through it.

Tea was taken during the monsoon interval, with attention quickly turning to Ade’s chicken and coleslaw wraps. Following last week’s dog attack and his apparent rodent-borne illness, there were genuine concerns over whether he could stomach solid food again. Thankfully, the new slimline Ade inhaled both wraps in one movement and morale soared further when he was informed he’d be batting in his highest position since the Blair administration.

Mikey and Jordan opened up the chase. Mikey, playing his first game since stepping on the rope and nearly costing CE promotion last season, clearly took the “show some grit” team talk to heart by immediately skying one to mid-on for 1. Months of counselling undone by one agricultural swipe.

White came in at 3 and, after recovering from the nosebleed caused by batting so high, attempted to anchor the innings with what may genuinely be the slowest 9 in club cricket history. His 9 off 38 somehow ended up being the batting highlight, alongside Big Dinner contributing to a majestic 12-run partnership.

Hogarth continued his sparkling early-season form by recording his second golden duck in a row, edging one to slip having hit it slightly less than his previous dismissal at Leek.

With rain threatening again, CE collectively decided they’d seen enough and got the game wrapped up quickly. Porthill, sensing blood, unleashed a short-ball barrage at 7-year-old James Peasley, who to his credit showed a great deal of bravery.

CE eventually folded for 21 all out in just over an hour — less of a batting collapse, more of a controlled demolition.

In all seriousness, the quality of Porthill’s opening bowlers, Plummer and Blurton, was outstanding. Figures of 5-11 and 5-10 barely did justice to how relentless they were, bowling with pace and accuracy throughout and giving absolutely nothing away.

The only disappointment was that none of the opposition stayed for a beer afterwards. Club cricket’s about more than results — supporting clubs and sharing a drink is part of the game — so that side of things was a shame. That said, it shouldn’t take away from the quality they showed on the field.

All in all, a disastrous day for CE. But we move on.

Just the small matter next week of playing … currently top of the league. Easy.